fired
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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
im gay on my mothers side
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.