Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

My birthstone is kidney