Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.