Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Sticker placement is key.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu