Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!