Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.