Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

this got me crying😭😭

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is