Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

The point of your 20s

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.