Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

I have a new favorite meme page

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?