Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

🪶

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

I love the National Park Service.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.