Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.