Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Somewhere in an alternate universe

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra