Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.