Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?