firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
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I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Spring cleaning checklist…
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.