Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls literally only want one thing..

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?