Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

welcome back

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

What do you text your spouse?

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

Lol.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.