fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.