fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Pandas 🐼🖤
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!