fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close