Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

my mind

You just read my mind

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

me when I see my crush

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical