Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

Pretty much! 😂👀

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do