Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

the composer

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.