@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

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@MarfSalvador

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

@ItsAndyRyan

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@djdarrellripley

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

@MaryJustice86

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

@Lakelandr

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

@ch000ch

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

@BarryVonAwesome

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

@HomeProbably

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.