Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

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Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!


#bidenmeme #Election2016


FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out


You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is


[5 seconds left in the final quarter, down by one point, I call a time out, huddle my team into a tight circle, stare each of them in the eye]

I gotta go or I’m gonna miss my bus



Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.


The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.


friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it


Billionaire: I’d like to do something about crime.
Butler: Being poor, I’ve got some great ideas–
Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.


Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?


me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money