Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes


“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”


Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.



I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…


Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.


I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another


mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.


The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore


My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.