Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!
Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[5 seconds left in the final quarter, down by one point, I call a time out, huddle my team into a tight circle, stare each of them in the eye]
I gotta go or I’m gonna miss my bus
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Billionaire: I’d like to do something about crime.
Butler: Being poor, I’ve got some great ideas–
Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money