Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

This seems like peak sibling energy

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.