FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
A game married people play.
all that yoga finally paid off
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!