Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”