Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.