fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left