So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Oh deer
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol