firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u