firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.