firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*