firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”