Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.