Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.