Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Good morning ☺️

Noah was an idiot.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality