fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Hard not to take this personally
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face