Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?