fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
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When you’re Kinky but poor
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Van Gone
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.