Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

How to find Kentucky on a map

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.