Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

mood

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

that’s really how it is

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong