Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.