Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.