Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
estão todos miauvindo?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Florida man
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.