Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

Florida be like…

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail