Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Had to try this trend 😊

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today