Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.