[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”