[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE


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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.


British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years


*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*


[fancy restaurant]

Wife: How was the bathroom?

Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall


My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.


Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B


Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.


I just want someone to like me.

Not you. I meant someone pretty.


Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.


FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.