Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

❤️🦆

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*