Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste