[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
When ur friends with white people
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.