Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

live long and prosper!

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!