[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
pls suprot
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
ready to be harvested
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits