[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
You Might Also Like
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
ah yes….my favourite videogame
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.