[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Dumple
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.