[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it