[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
smartest karate player in the world
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.