[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
A comic by Dan Piraro
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
bought wrong eggs
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Hmmmmm
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
