[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
there’s probably a fee though
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
