Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Twitter

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.