Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do