Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

“OMGJK” -atheists