Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS