First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
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Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk