First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
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Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???