Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

Always the camel, never the toe.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.