First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
You Might Also Like
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
3% human
97% stress
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood