First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
scares
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.