*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
my dog when i have a friend over
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.