*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
You Might Also Like
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Beauty and the Beast
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.