Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling