Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

San Francisco has too many rules

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.