First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”