Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life