Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Facebook marketplace is a different world

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

mathematically impossible

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames