[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
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Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My Guy
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I saw this ending much differently.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext