Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

can I use a minion as a tampon

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere