Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

*lint rolls you awake*

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”