Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes