[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
