Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.