first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
grandpa was shocked
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
You’ll be OK
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit