first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
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11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!