first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Matt Goss
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If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.