Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

How long do you have to wait between naps?

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.