First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side